Posts Tagged ‘Founders’

Founders Breakfast Stout

I decided to have breakfast for supper tonight. So to celebrate being too poor and lazy to have a real meal, I decided to crack open some of the bootleg Breakfast Stout I came across recently. (Don’t ask how I got it – honestly, it’s a little fuzzy.) But I didn’t have any cold. So I threw that shit in the freezer.

I would drink this shit for breakfast every night and day.

There was no chance I would forget this guy like this, but I didn’t figure I would get any frosties in my bottle, what with it being a bigass stout brewed with coffee and chocolate and chicanery, et al. It all came down to what my buddy the Gurgling Cod calls “old and cold.” You see, this beer has lost its mojo. That’s carbonation in the beer world. So, this accidental freezing bullshit actually helped build a nice little icy “head” that floated all the way down to the bottom. Old and cold is coffee from the night before, thrown in a jar and refrigerated like a motherfucker.

Chocolaty and smooth, this badass stout complimented the holy shit out of my English muffin and poblano-pepper-jack eggs. Shit is rich like a bitch, all bitter and slightly sweet like a goodass chocolate bar from Germany or Switzerplace or wherethefuckever they make goodass chocolate. Get yourself some, if you can.

That being said, FOUNDERS GET THE FUCK BACK IN MY STATE, BITCHES!

Red’s Rye all up in this bitch.

The bastards thought they could bring me down. The fucking sinus infection and ensuing antibiotics, that is. But fuck those guys. I’ve got Founders motherfuckin’ Red’s Rye to keep me smiling in these, the darkest of days.

This shit's so fucking good, I'ma give you three rad photos.

This fucking rye ale is so goddamn fucking tasty that I might be willing to cut off my own dick just for a drink. OK, maybe somebody else’s dick, but you get the fucking point. Hoppy and smooth as my morning shits and about as pale as my ginger ass after an hour in the midday sun, Red’s Rye takes the cake as one of my favorite beers from my favorite brewer, Founders. Too bad those ass-fucks are leaving fucking South Carolina, a-goddman-gain. I mean, what the fuck? Whose fucking dick do you have to suck to keep this shit around? Because it might be worth it. Between this and Breakfast Stout and Dirty Bastard and Centennial and and and. Yeah, I’d probably take a shot in the mouth to make that shit happen. It’s that fucking good.

Yes, it's a motherfuckin' Nash deck, assholes.

Don’t believe me? You should have seen the look on this girl’s face at the store last night when I told her I had just sold the last sixer. I almost invited her back to my place to have some of mine, but then I would have had to share, all in the name of pussy. PUSSY, mind you. Yes, right now, this beer is better than pussy. But apparently I’ll suck a dick for it. Something’s not right in that fucking equation. Somebody slap the shit out of me.

Ooh, sexy chipped paint. Should have thrown on a vintage filter so assholes would like it better.

Alright, so I’m not going to suck any dick for this. Nor am I going to give up pussy. I’ll just share my other beers with those unworthy for such greatness. But if a lovely lady does come around willing to give up pussy for a sip of my Old Red, I’ll have to give it to her.

ODB (Oh! Dirty Bastard)

Peep this shit. ODB in the house. Killa Beez all over this ish.

Shout out to my mothafuckin' homies, Community Tap and Beermageddon. Pourin' one out, right down my fucking throat.

Aight, y’all. Check this shit out. Dirty Bastard was an American rapper and occasional producer, who, when he got older, went by the stage name Ol’ Dirty Bastard or simply ODB.

After that motherfucker OD’d (not to be confused with DB or ODB), some motherfuckers (Founders) up in the Michigan scene turned his ashes into a fucking awesome concoction known as a Scotch Ale. This fucker is tasty and smooth, sweet and smoky, with a little sour smell and slight bitter aftertaste. So strong and wonderful, it could only be made from necromancy.

The end.