This morning while I was browsing through the web, reading whatever crap it is that I read in the mornings before heading to work, I stumbled upon this brief post/question on uncrate (a really fun sight to find cool new things to blow cash on):
The question caught my attention because I have an answer (albeit one that probably doesn’t really help the asker), which would be “My house mother fucker!”
Behold, one of the best beer mugs I have yet to encounter in my life:
An excellent stone ware mug that is a perfect pint (holds 16 oz and a bit of foam with no problem)
Here is the story behind this mug. My friend Evan and I were wandering about and by some way or another ended up at a GoodWill store. Being as we are appreciators of the finer things we decided that browsing through the GoodWill store might turn up some good finds. What luck that we chose to look around, for there, by the random assortment of home goods and tacky decorations sat these three excellent stoneware mugs (each one had a different print on it). Evan took two and I grabbed the one seen in the picture above. All together the three probably put us out about $2.70 or something like that (money well spent). To date it may still be one of the greatest finds I’ve ever encountered at a GoodWill store (though I did buy a pimping huge-ass fake fur coat back when I was in college. That thing was fucking sweet).
So what is so fucking great about this mug (and the two counterparts owned by Evan)? A number of features really.
I’ll start with the general look of the things. There was no question upon encountering them what these mugs were intended for. Neither Evan nor I were like, “Gee fuck, I sure feel like being a douche and drinking some sangria out of this here mug.” No, they were obviously intended for the sole purpose of holding beer and being fucking bad-ass. Each one has a different design printed on it. Mine has an “HB” with a crown over the top. One of Evan’s has a tree with some mushrooms by it and some kind of German writing (can’t remember what). His other (by far the best print of the three) has a German dude with a huge fucking mustache who is wear lederhosen and drinking a frosty foamy beer from a like mug (seriously, you just look at this one and are all like, “Holy fuck, when I drink from this mug I almost transform into that awesome German dude on the front.”).
The second great feature of the mugs is the fucking feel of them. These are no pussy ass wimpy little mugs. No fucking way. They are weighty and strong and really probably just attest to overall masculinity. You pick one up and the first thing that you notice is that you actually need some arm strength to hold it (and I’m not talking the minor muscles you get from beating you meat when you get a bit lonely, I’m saying you’ve got to be lifting some fucking weights to be using one of these mugs). Part of the reason for the weight is that these mugs are beasts of strength. This is probably because they were inspired by mugs that were made by fucking viking warriors (who obviously didn’t fuck around with mug creation). In a bar fight these mugs could come in crazy handy for smashing up some faces. This isn’t a wimpy piece of glassware that is going to break and leave sharp shards all over the floor if you knock it off the table. No, you knock one of these fuckers off the table and you’ll be paying for floor repairs.
Next, the drinking experience. As I mentioned above in the image, these mugs are a perfect pint, which is just what we are looking for when drinking a beer. The mouth of the mugs curve in a little which helps with retaining foam a bit (but just a bit, these mugs still allow for some awesome foam spillage if you need it). Beer stays at a good temperature in them, insulated by the thick stoneware sides. This is further benefited by the handle which keeps hand warmth at a distance from the beverage. All and all drinking a beer from one of these mugs is a great pleasure.
Alright, for the final point of greatness of these mugs, I will say it has to be the sound of two of them clunking together in an affirmation of “Cheers!” There are few (if any) more beautiful sounds I have ever heard. This is not the high pitch clink of two pint glasses (which is fine if it’s all you got to work with). No, I believe that the sound of two of these mugs in a cheers clunk is like the sound of God clapping. It is mind-blowing.
Now, as of the present, I only know of the existence of the three mugs that Evan and I own. I do speculate that more exist as their overall uniformity of design suggests they may have been mass-produced (so basically feel free to look around for some). I will also say that really there is a whole hell of a lot of different beer glassware or other drinking vessels out there. I suggest that you check out Untamed Beer’s “Guide to Beer Glassware” if you are looking for some advice on how to drink your brew of choice properly. But all and all, at the end of the day, whether in mug, pint glass, bottle, or can (or Keg stand I suppose), just keep remembering, “It’s a fucking beer, just enjoy it damnit!”
~General Lordisimo
