It's a Fucking Beer!

I’m knew to this posting recipes game, but I’m gonna win the shit out of it. In this segment, I don’t pair beer with food. Instead, I tell you what the fuck to drink while you’re making certain foods.

Here’s my take on the traditional chocolate chip cookie (as adapted from Mark Bittman’s book and chocolate chip packages and my tongue, et al.).

Mothafuckin' cookies!

Now this ain’t your traditional, fluffy-ass cookie, all bland and white and boring. I mean, those are good and all, but this shit will give your tongue a hard-on.

Here’s your fucking ingredients:

1/2 cup butter
3/4 cup turbinado sugar (that brown sugar stuff is bullshit!)
3/4 cup granulated sugar (you could even use the turbinado for this)
2 eggs
2 cups whole wheat flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp vanilla
2 cups chocolate chips
2 cups heath bar toffee shit

Now!

1. Preheat oven to 375 F(ucking degrees)

2. Drink a beer. I would suggest Sierra Nevada Ruthless Rye.

3. Brown the shit out of your butter. I’m talking nearly burn that shit. Then, mix the hell out of the butter and sugars. Throw in the fucking eggs and beat the shit out of them.

4. Drink more beer. I believe Anchor Old Foghorn helps with the cookiemaking.

I thought there was a chicken hawk around here...?

5. Combine the dry shit (flour, baking soda, salt) in a bowl and sift that shit (or whisk). Throw it in the wet shit and stir like a motherfucker. Add the vanilla, chocolate and toffee chips. Mix.

6.. Throw that shit on something bake-worthy. I use ceramic pizza stones, and that makes a mean, chewy-but-not-fluffy, fuckworthy cookie.

Let that kick your taste buds’ asses for a while and see if you go back to normal cookies.